just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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