i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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