Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
