Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
