if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
