Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
