come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
