She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
