i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
