im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
