census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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