i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
our cab driver is having phone sex.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
