I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
