tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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