I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
