Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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