Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
