i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
