Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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