Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
