I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
