I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
