he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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