Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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