she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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