Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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