dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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