we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
