Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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