Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
