I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
