I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
