Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
