I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
