I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
