So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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