Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
