I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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