this beer tastes like vomit already
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
