I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
