What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
