After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
