We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I lost the right to judge tonight
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
