Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
