the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Randomize
