this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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