She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
