Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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