No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
