Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
