I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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