My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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