You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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