Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
