Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
