I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
