see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
