i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
