Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I need a burrito and a hug.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
