If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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