is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
