You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
